Why did I come back?

"Why did you come here? Everyone here is trying to go to America," one Pakistani nurse queried as she she took my vitals. "You're an American citizen! You could just live there!" stated one of my friends jealous that she could not stay due to visa issues. On the other side of the ocean: "Aren't you scared? Can't you just let the people who are natives do the work there?" 

These conversation fragments among others float back into my head when I'm already feeling insecure, along with my own thoughts: "I was just feeling settled! Why did I up and leave?" "I had an amazing community and steady job if I wanted to stay." "I had so many opportunities!" "I had relational credibility and a name for myself through years of laborious time and investment." Why did I throw it all to the wind? Or did I? 

Recently on our last trip back to the States, my husband and I had the opportunity to share with the Wildheart staff, the non-profit where I had worked for 6 years. The founders, Tannon and Cristina, to this day are dear friends of ours and we like to keep in touch. However, this was the first time since I had left almost four years earlier that they had asked us to share. After Stephen and I had shared a bit about what we're doing and what God has been speaking to us, Cristina did her usual and brought the sharing time deeper with a question to me: "Can you share any advice or words of wisdom with our staff that you gleaned while you were here?" I felt so many emotions in that moment, but words fled my mind. So, here I am writing down what I would have said if I had found the words at the moment: 

For me being a part of the Mansion community at Wildheart forced me to come out of my shell. I was surrounded by people who thought very differently and often our personalities clashed. Living and working in the same house and community had a greenhouse affect on my faith and character. I couldn't escape the challenges - I never really had a day "off" from relationship and communication curve balls. Not only was there the relational challenges, but also the vision of the entire organization evolved drastically over the years I worked there. My comfort zone would be staying in a small tight knit group of people who I can share every part of my life and working on basic projects toward a reasonable sized goal. I'm not a huge visionary or big picture thinker. I love to focus on the details and how exactly something can get done. 

Working at Wildheart forced me out of my comfort zone - I was constantly in communication with new people and our facility had revolving doors. We were always problem solving, brainstorming solutions and coming up with new strategies to fit our every growing vision. I tried out almost every staff role possible and learned a lot about myself - where I thrived and where I struggled. I also picked up many random but useful skills along the way like wood working, painting, bookkeeping, marketing, team management, and so much more! 

I've said twice now that life at the Mansion and working at Wildheart forced me to come out of my shell or comfort zone, but really what I mean is that my years there taught me to choose that response. I would say my advice to those at Wildheart and whoever may be reading this: allow the relational challenges and impossible situations that you will face moving forward to cause you to dig in and examine yourself.  Cry out to God, bring your heart to Him, come broken before Him and let Him speak into your situation. Then, when you hear him, obey what He says. Surrender your heart to the Refiners' fire and you will be amazed at the gold that He reveals. 

Why did I come back to the land I grew up in? Why did I leave Wildheart and Pennsylvania? Because it was in that same place of brokenness and surrender which God was developing in me at the Mansion, where He invited me to come back and see what He is doing here in the Middle East. He has given me a heart for the people and the same seed that was deposited in me during my time at Wildheart, now I get to reproduce here! And guess who else I met in the Middle East? Stephen, my now husband, who is a huge visionary thinker with loads of ideas and loves to talk to new people! So, now I can say with confidence, my season in Pennsylvania was not thrown to the wind, but rather it prepared me with tools to partner with God, and now also my husband, to see transformation in the Middle East.  

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