Who am I?

I stepped into the gym class full of women. All the men including my husband were at another gym just a block away. I stood quietly on the sidelines watching the ladies chatting away or lounging on the wooden boxes looking at their phones waiting for the class to start. Despite my 27 years, I still felt like a shy little girl unsure what to say or how to interact. The familiar confusion and anxiety washed over me as I struggled within myself. These lovely Arab women would be happy to hear me try out my Arabic with them. They would be pleasantly surprised to hear me speaking in their language and familiar with their ways. Likewise, I could pull the American card and introduce myself in English. Some people found that more attractive as they wanted to practice their language. But which was the right response? Which was me? 

That question rings deeply within each one of us - who am I?  What is at the very core of myself that cannot be stripped away? I am one of the people who has numerous times moved houses, continents, cultures and much more in my life time. How did I stand a chance of growing into a healthy, mature young adult? I began to learn very early on that no matter how hard I tried to fit in, it would never work. I would always be dressed differently, speaking another language, unaware of the social etiquette, etc. Instead of trying to fit, I tried to simply adjust my behavior or speech or dress to not clash with the culture around me and the people I interacted with. It seemed to work overall yet still deep down inside I questioned my own authenticity. If Sue hadn't just stated her opinion or Bob hadn't made the first move, what would I, Joanna, have done? 

We all long to be comfortable and confident in our skin. At the same time we are created to be in community, to love and be loved. So we have these two tensions pulling within us - the desire to be our own independent unique self and the desire to be needed, loved, and a part of something so much bigger than ourselves. Ideally, they should go hand in hand. As we learn more of our unique, God-given identity, we become more invested into the community and lives around us. For me, though, I was still stuck in an old pattern of thinking. 

By this time, I had worked myself into not saying anything at all. Part of me felt so lonely, but the other part afraid I would make a fool of myself. Finally, a little voice in my head whispered, "Just speak to them, Joanna. English or Arabic it doesn't matter. What matters is your heart." Finally, I snapped out of it and went over to join the others.